Monday, November 27, 2006written once at 12:38 PM

So yeah, the battle started and hoh hoh. I hope and definately will pray for the straight As for all that I care. Who wouldn't want straight A1s? Probably I place too much expectation upon myself that I am giving myself too much stress. I have alot to talk today I think. Not that because I have alot of time but because I have alot to pour. But on a happier note, Suju won the Shin In award and I'm so proud of them. Hyukkie cried like hell and he made me cry ._. But haha, I love them for all that matters. Right before I start ranting/pouring, I would like to make a note that I might not make any sense in some sentences because I'm just typing base on what I am feeling and wanna say. And I am not gonna mention any names. If you know you are that person, keep it to yourself. I have no interest whether you wanna announce its you or not. Anyway...

So I have an attitude problem. Probably you have one too. Seriously, if you can't stand my attitude, just don't talk to me? I think there's something wrong between our relationship. I really don't understand what is going wrong. Despite your nice nature of making people happy, I have that nature too. And it runs in my blood. But I choose who and when do I wanna do it to. I am the species that when I'm harsh I can be really harsh but when I choose to be soft I can be a real softie. I sometimes wonder why are we even friends. To me, we don't even seem to have that special something I have with most of my close/good/best friends around. Even crapping rubbish can be fun but it doesn't seem to apply for this case. I have no idea why. I think it's something wrong with me because you don't seem to be in any fault. But honestly, I am THAT type of person. If you can't stand me, feel free to block me. I don't like giving face anyway. How did we get so close and yet so distant? Everyday the things we talk are only that single thing and rants. What else can be shared between us? Everything else seems to be so boring. Why?

I have no idea why either.

I think one of the main reasons why is because we can't comfort each other. We have no ability to. Call me cocky or arrogant but I have a thing in dealing with moody/depressed people. I can comfort them. I have that certain ability or a something that can make people feel better. But I don't know why I just don't feel like dealing with your case. I know you don't know how to deal with mine either. Somehow talking to you these days just doesn't do the trick. It doesn't cures my pain nor put out my anger. I just get more worked up and pissed. I have to leave the comp just to leave you. I am getting sick of it. Why do we have nothing to talk? Probably this is getting too obvious but this is my blog and I don't really care what people think. If you don't like what am I writing, please, feel free to go away and never to return. A blog is meant for people to vent out their frustration/anger/negative emotions anyway and of course share their happiness.

Someday I think I'll choose to turn away from you. You can do anything you like but I'll not share much of my life with you. But I really feel that I'm distaning from you. Did we ever get close anyway? I highly doubt so. Why do I not feel that certain 'click'? Probably we became friends because I was seeking comfort and coincidentally you are there. Just so coincidental? Sometimes it's so difficult to talk to you. I know you definately feel the same too because I do know that I am a difficult person to talk to. All in all, you are a good person. But you are not my type of person. You don't fit with my structure of attitude and life you see. You'll get hurt without me or you knowing it until the wound is too big to heal by it's own.

It's good that I'm leaving soon.

At least it'll give both of us the time and space we needed. You might say you don't. But I do. Sometimes I do really wonder is it because of my attitude problem? Do I really have one? Maybe I do have one but I don't know that I am in a seriously critical condition case. I hope you don't read this because I have enough of hurting people subconsciously. I hope I can control myself to not rant too much to you. I don't really care if you are going to rant a hell lot to me because I am going to choose to ignore. I think we suit to be just... normal friends. But that is my opinion. Because I don't like to change for people. To me, if you can't deal/stand with me, just leave. I have my own way and method of dealing with people. I just don't understand why I can't deal with you even though I love you so much.

What is going on? I keep asking myself. Countless of times. This is confusing and irritating me. Sometimes I feel like you are taking me for granted. I think the reason why we are still friends its because we have what each other wants. I think it's better we stopped relying on each other so much. It's better for the both of us. We just don't seem to click? We only have that few things in common to talk about. Nothing else seems to interest me.

And no, this is not a rant on my boyfriend. Hyuk is doing fine in Seoul right now.

Now onto SPM, I'm left with five more subjects spreaded out in this two weeks. Mom's kindergarten concert is on the 3rd and my bio paper is on the 4th. And I'm required to play the piano for the choir the kids are gonna do at the end of the concert. I have yet to find that music score [which I suspect I have already sold it] but no worries, being the me that I am and having a genius cousin in Spore, I have the genes to discover what are the notes and yes. I have done it. Heeh!

Somehow, even after saying so much. I feel like nothing has been taken away... Nothing is lifted. Add maths is tomorrow and I have no idea whether am I freaking out or just playing calm. The song playing in my playlist now is dongbang's Balloons but weirdly it's not making me happy o.o

Honestly, I missed the old days. The innocent younger days, where I have these unnies to talk to and rant. Even when they rant, I am so interested to read. I always have this certain thing that can make them and myself feel better. It was always so fun to talk on msn. Until...

Oh well...

On another happier note, my mom bought me this nike jacket which is exactly the same as Hyuk's Adidas one just that mine is Nike and his is Adidas. Haha. It's really nice; warm & snug <33 Thanks mom <3 I think we should all try to live a stress-free life and not put too much pressure on yourself and others. Let's all try to live a happier life. And I'm sure that life of yours will be definately more productive.

Cheers~
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Saturday, November 18, 2006written once at 11:57 AM

This post is a super long post of ranting and ungratefulness. Please proceed to browse your other internet sites and skip this one. Everything posted in this post will prove to you as crap and horrible attitude problem. Stop reading immediately. Leave. But if you're too bored and is interested with this pathetic life of mine, do read on. I could care less of the grammatical errors or spelling mistakes. I'm just gonna pour out every single bit of negative emotions locked up within me. Bear in mind I might go very metaphoric or philosophical mode. But anyway...

These few days has been quite a horrible week. Everyday is just study, study and study. Not that I don't like studying but it's getting tedious. Everyday it's just the same old routine. Wake up, pray, breakfast while online-ing a while to get the downloads into cb then its the start of studying. On and on, stopping in between for a half an hour break of tv show at 12 and lunch. All the way until like 8pm? 9pm? It's insane I tell you. I've been a geek most of my life. I don't know whether it's my kiasuness or just plain because I want to score, or is it because I want to prove to people? I don't even know whether is it to save my family's face. Well exactly not my family's face but my grandma's. Her sister has a grandson [making him my cousin] who apparently is very smart and will always be singing praises of him everytime we meet. I recall the PMR times. Boy it sucked. She did not understand that I had 7 subs and me scoring 7As was counted straight As whereas her grandson took 8 subs and scored 8As was straight As and how smart he was. She even used her fingers to show me how many As was it. I mean like WTF? I know how to count mind you.

But whatever. I don't want to rant to people. My mom called earlier asking me to call my grandma to talk to her abit. I didn't want to because I know I'll definately tell my grandma a hell lot and how much stress I'm going through. It's crazy. I love my grandma alot mind you. It's not that I want her worrying or what not. People who finished SPM tells me time passes quickly. I hope it does. But then finishing SPM would mean a hell lot of other stress type coming in. My mom wants me to take F6. Six months of hol beforehand. So what? The year after that is another tedious year of continuous studying. But what can I opt for? I ain't smart. If I ever was, I have lost all of my smartness. The genes wont be reproduced again. I hate this. I want to be smart again. So regardless of whether I studied or not I still score. Harhar.

My mom says I call my grandma and tell her the things and she'll tell me something else. And when I refused, my mom is like pissed. Then she wants me to call my cousin to ask what cream/lotion is good for my skin when I go Australia. I love my mom seriously I do. But I really don't need anymore shit to be placed on my shoulders than what I have now. Maybe you who are reading this now may feel, aiyar, what the hell. SPM only and so stress. I more stresss laaar.

That's why the warning was above, this whole post is rants. Because I won't call people to talk about it. I am afraid of breaking down. I already did just now. I feel weak. So fragile. Such a softie. I want someone to hug. I am only holding on to this principle of no regrets. The reason I'm studying now is because of I don't want to regret later. At least I study so much now, even if I cannot do well in the exam hall but I tried my best. I gave my best shot. I did all I could. Nothing else I can expect from myself. No complains and crying over split milk later on of why did I not study, or I should've studied more.

Funny how after typing so damn much, I still don't feel any much better. Stress kills. Its affecting my voice and I am singing horribly. I seem to lost that certain thing in my voice that I used to be so proud of. And I find myself being a bitch most of the times. I desire praises. When people don't praise me I'm like, ._. I don't want to hurt the people around me; especially those that I love. I'm so tempted to hurl cuss words and what not whenever wherever but after that I'll get so guilty and I'll feel so bad until I feel like crawling into a hole, curl up and just die. I'm so emotional. I like the fact that I get happy easily. But I despise the fact that I get surrounded by negativity almost immediately. And it takes a long long time to get over it.

I'm getting immune to studying. I only pray that I won't blank out during the exam. I'm feeling so horrible now that I don't know what I want to do. Probably if it was the old times I would sing my heart now. But considering the fact that my singing is so horrible now I would probably end up getting more pissed with myself. Maybe I should drown myself with the books. Die with them. Then we can become one. And everything will be in my head. It's not that I don't like studying. ._. But it's argh...

And I'm getting selfish. I am the only child and I need not cope with sharing. But this selfishness is more of pentingkan diri sendiri. My brain is dead right now so I may be typing crap. I'm left alone like, 90/100 of the week for this week. It sucks. Today is a Saturday. Normally for people working [for a family] is also usually half day. But no, my dad is working full day and my mom is out to get the concert stuff with the fellow teachers. As though Sunday is a family day, no it isn't. My dad is working full day. And my mom is also working full day because concert day is coming. So I'm left all alone. Oh wait, I'm not. I'm left alone with that stack of books. Latihan latihan latihan and lots of reference books. Horrible.

I don't know why am I so ungrateful. I don't know why am so negative. I don't understand why am I such a bitch lately. Or is it just today. This post is rather meaningless. Please stop reading further. I'm getting sick of myself. I'm filled with negativity. I need to meditate abit. Currently there is no one to turn to because I don't want to rant and end up listening to rants instead. That sucks.

The only thing left to do is turning to God. It's not that God is listed on the last thing of my list, in fact He's the first. But somehow I don't link back to God whenever I'm stressed out or what not. I only thank God for all my happiness and good stuff I get.

SPM. Two days away. I have given up on myself. I'll not be putting anymore stress on myself. I won't set my expectations too high any longer. There'll only be two things I'll be relying on now.

Prayer.

&

Faith.

I am casting all my cares and burdens down at your feet, Lord.
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Monday, November 13, 2006written once at 10:10 PM

Big day? Death day? Either way, exams are nearing and I can really feel the stress piling up. I missed those days of when I'm high, as though on crack. ;x I mean, I believe everyone would want the days of being on crack than stuffing themselves within the books. Don't get me wrong though. I'm not implying that you should go hisap dadah or something. My term of being on crack is spazzing because of hot guys ;x Heh heh.

There's nothing much to post lately. Must be my lack of outings due to exams. I really wanna continue writing my innocent high school fic. It's gonna end soon but I have no idea how to end it o.o Anyway...

All the best to everyone for their exams! <3
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Tuesday, November 07, 2006written once at 12:55 AM

HAPPY 1ST ANNIVERSARY SUJU OPPA DEUL~

11 minutes left 0_0 I love you guys loads and loads <3 Mwah.
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