Monday, November 27, 2006written once at 12:38 PM

So yeah, the battle started and hoh hoh. I hope and definately will pray for the straight As for all that I care. Who wouldn't want straight A1s? Probably I place too much expectation upon myself that I am giving myself too much stress. I have alot to talk today I think. Not that because I have alot of time but because I have alot to pour. But on a happier note, Suju won the Shin In award and I'm so proud of them. Hyukkie cried like hell and he made me cry ._. But haha, I love them for all that matters. Right before I start ranting/pouring, I would like to make a note that I might not make any sense in some sentences because I'm just typing base on what I am feeling and wanna say. And I am not gonna mention any names. If you know you are that person, keep it to yourself. I have no interest whether you wanna announce its you or not. Anyway...

So I have an attitude problem. Probably you have one too. Seriously, if you can't stand my attitude, just don't talk to me? I think there's something wrong between our relationship. I really don't understand what is going wrong. Despite your nice nature of making people happy, I have that nature too. And it runs in my blood. But I choose who and when do I wanna do it to. I am the species that when I'm harsh I can be really harsh but when I choose to be soft I can be a real softie. I sometimes wonder why are we even friends. To me, we don't even seem to have that special something I have with most of my close/good/best friends around. Even crapping rubbish can be fun but it doesn't seem to apply for this case. I have no idea why. I think it's something wrong with me because you don't seem to be in any fault. But honestly, I am THAT type of person. If you can't stand me, feel free to block me. I don't like giving face anyway. How did we get so close and yet so distant? Everyday the things we talk are only that single thing and rants. What else can be shared between us? Everything else seems to be so boring. Why?

I have no idea why either.

I think one of the main reasons why is because we can't comfort each other. We have no ability to. Call me cocky or arrogant but I have a thing in dealing with moody/depressed people. I can comfort them. I have that certain ability or a something that can make people feel better. But I don't know why I just don't feel like dealing with your case. I know you don't know how to deal with mine either. Somehow talking to you these days just doesn't do the trick. It doesn't cures my pain nor put out my anger. I just get more worked up and pissed. I have to leave the comp just to leave you. I am getting sick of it. Why do we have nothing to talk? Probably this is getting too obvious but this is my blog and I don't really care what people think. If you don't like what am I writing, please, feel free to go away and never to return. A blog is meant for people to vent out their frustration/anger/negative emotions anyway and of course share their happiness.

Someday I think I'll choose to turn away from you. You can do anything you like but I'll not share much of my life with you. But I really feel that I'm distaning from you. Did we ever get close anyway? I highly doubt so. Why do I not feel that certain 'click'? Probably we became friends because I was seeking comfort and coincidentally you are there. Just so coincidental? Sometimes it's so difficult to talk to you. I know you definately feel the same too because I do know that I am a difficult person to talk to. All in all, you are a good person. But you are not my type of person. You don't fit with my structure of attitude and life you see. You'll get hurt without me or you knowing it until the wound is too big to heal by it's own.

It's good that I'm leaving soon.

At least it'll give both of us the time and space we needed. You might say you don't. But I do. Sometimes I do really wonder is it because of my attitude problem? Do I really have one? Maybe I do have one but I don't know that I am in a seriously critical condition case. I hope you don't read this because I have enough of hurting people subconsciously. I hope I can control myself to not rant too much to you. I don't really care if you are going to rant a hell lot to me because I am going to choose to ignore. I think we suit to be just... normal friends. But that is my opinion. Because I don't like to change for people. To me, if you can't deal/stand with me, just leave. I have my own way and method of dealing with people. I just don't understand why I can't deal with you even though I love you so much.

What is going on? I keep asking myself. Countless of times. This is confusing and irritating me. Sometimes I feel like you are taking me for granted. I think the reason why we are still friends its because we have what each other wants. I think it's better we stopped relying on each other so much. It's better for the both of us. We just don't seem to click? We only have that few things in common to talk about. Nothing else seems to interest me.

And no, this is not a rant on my boyfriend. Hyuk is doing fine in Seoul right now.

Now onto SPM, I'm left with five more subjects spreaded out in this two weeks. Mom's kindergarten concert is on the 3rd and my bio paper is on the 4th. And I'm required to play the piano for the choir the kids are gonna do at the end of the concert. I have yet to find that music score [which I suspect I have already sold it] but no worries, being the me that I am and having a genius cousin in Spore, I have the genes to discover what are the notes and yes. I have done it. Heeh!

Somehow, even after saying so much. I feel like nothing has been taken away... Nothing is lifted. Add maths is tomorrow and I have no idea whether am I freaking out or just playing calm. The song playing in my playlist now is dongbang's Balloons but weirdly it's not making me happy o.o

Honestly, I missed the old days. The innocent younger days, where I have these unnies to talk to and rant. Even when they rant, I am so interested to read. I always have this certain thing that can make them and myself feel better. It was always so fun to talk on msn. Until...

Oh well...

On another happier note, my mom bought me this nike jacket which is exactly the same as Hyuk's Adidas one just that mine is Nike and his is Adidas. Haha. It's really nice; warm & snug <33 Thanks mom <3 I think we should all try to live a stress-free life and not put too much pressure on yourself and others. Let's all try to live a happier life. And I'm sure that life of yours will be definately more productive.

Cheers~
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