Saturday, November 18, 2006written once at 11:57 AM

This post is a super long post of ranting and ungratefulness. Please proceed to browse your other internet sites and skip this one. Everything posted in this post will prove to you as crap and horrible attitude problem. Stop reading immediately. Leave. But if you're too bored and is interested with this pathetic life of mine, do read on. I could care less of the grammatical errors or spelling mistakes. I'm just gonna pour out every single bit of negative emotions locked up within me. Bear in mind I might go very metaphoric or philosophical mode. But anyway...

These few days has been quite a horrible week. Everyday is just study, study and study. Not that I don't like studying but it's getting tedious. Everyday it's just the same old routine. Wake up, pray, breakfast while online-ing a while to get the downloads into cb then its the start of studying. On and on, stopping in between for a half an hour break of tv show at 12 and lunch. All the way until like 8pm? 9pm? It's insane I tell you. I've been a geek most of my life. I don't know whether it's my kiasuness or just plain because I want to score, or is it because I want to prove to people? I don't even know whether is it to save my family's face. Well exactly not my family's face but my grandma's. Her sister has a grandson [making him my cousin] who apparently is very smart and will always be singing praises of him everytime we meet. I recall the PMR times. Boy it sucked. She did not understand that I had 7 subs and me scoring 7As was counted straight As whereas her grandson took 8 subs and scored 8As was straight As and how smart he was. She even used her fingers to show me how many As was it. I mean like WTF? I know how to count mind you.

But whatever. I don't want to rant to people. My mom called earlier asking me to call my grandma to talk to her abit. I didn't want to because I know I'll definately tell my grandma a hell lot and how much stress I'm going through. It's crazy. I love my grandma alot mind you. It's not that I want her worrying or what not. People who finished SPM tells me time passes quickly. I hope it does. But then finishing SPM would mean a hell lot of other stress type coming in. My mom wants me to take F6. Six months of hol beforehand. So what? The year after that is another tedious year of continuous studying. But what can I opt for? I ain't smart. If I ever was, I have lost all of my smartness. The genes wont be reproduced again. I hate this. I want to be smart again. So regardless of whether I studied or not I still score. Harhar.

My mom says I call my grandma and tell her the things and she'll tell me something else. And when I refused, my mom is like pissed. Then she wants me to call my cousin to ask what cream/lotion is good for my skin when I go Australia. I love my mom seriously I do. But I really don't need anymore shit to be placed on my shoulders than what I have now. Maybe you who are reading this now may feel, aiyar, what the hell. SPM only and so stress. I more stresss laaar.

That's why the warning was above, this whole post is rants. Because I won't call people to talk about it. I am afraid of breaking down. I already did just now. I feel weak. So fragile. Such a softie. I want someone to hug. I am only holding on to this principle of no regrets. The reason I'm studying now is because of I don't want to regret later. At least I study so much now, even if I cannot do well in the exam hall but I tried my best. I gave my best shot. I did all I could. Nothing else I can expect from myself. No complains and crying over split milk later on of why did I not study, or I should've studied more.

Funny how after typing so damn much, I still don't feel any much better. Stress kills. Its affecting my voice and I am singing horribly. I seem to lost that certain thing in my voice that I used to be so proud of. And I find myself being a bitch most of the times. I desire praises. When people don't praise me I'm like, ._. I don't want to hurt the people around me; especially those that I love. I'm so tempted to hurl cuss words and what not whenever wherever but after that I'll get so guilty and I'll feel so bad until I feel like crawling into a hole, curl up and just die. I'm so emotional. I like the fact that I get happy easily. But I despise the fact that I get surrounded by negativity almost immediately. And it takes a long long time to get over it.

I'm getting immune to studying. I only pray that I won't blank out during the exam. I'm feeling so horrible now that I don't know what I want to do. Probably if it was the old times I would sing my heart now. But considering the fact that my singing is so horrible now I would probably end up getting more pissed with myself. Maybe I should drown myself with the books. Die with them. Then we can become one. And everything will be in my head. It's not that I don't like studying. ._. But it's argh...

And I'm getting selfish. I am the only child and I need not cope with sharing. But this selfishness is more of pentingkan diri sendiri. My brain is dead right now so I may be typing crap. I'm left alone like, 90/100 of the week for this week. It sucks. Today is a Saturday. Normally for people working [for a family] is also usually half day. But no, my dad is working full day and my mom is out to get the concert stuff with the fellow teachers. As though Sunday is a family day, no it isn't. My dad is working full day. And my mom is also working full day because concert day is coming. So I'm left all alone. Oh wait, I'm not. I'm left alone with that stack of books. Latihan latihan latihan and lots of reference books. Horrible.

I don't know why am I so ungrateful. I don't know why am so negative. I don't understand why am I such a bitch lately. Or is it just today. This post is rather meaningless. Please stop reading further. I'm getting sick of myself. I'm filled with negativity. I need to meditate abit. Currently there is no one to turn to because I don't want to rant and end up listening to rants instead. That sucks.

The only thing left to do is turning to God. It's not that God is listed on the last thing of my list, in fact He's the first. But somehow I don't link back to God whenever I'm stressed out or what not. I only thank God for all my happiness and good stuff I get.

SPM. Two days away. I have given up on myself. I'll not be putting anymore stress on myself. I won't set my expectations too high any longer. There'll only be two things I'll be relying on now.

Prayer.

&

Faith.

I am casting all my cares and burdens down at your feet, Lord.
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